The Shadow Man

Good luck getting a picture with him

The obnoxious thumping coming from inside the walls is getting louder and faster. I yawn and reach underneath my bed without looking. As I feel around, I can only seem to find a tennis ball and a pile of books. Oh, there’s a sock. I lunge out of bed and plank on the floor with my phone flashlight peeking beneath the bed frame. I climb underneath and pull out the weapon. It’s nothing fancy, an old bolt action rifle my grandfather gave to me on my 11th birthday. Mom was so pissed, she didn’t let me near it until I turned sixteen. It has withstood the test of time in my opinion. Easy enough to load up and from my tests out in the fields, it can shoot pretty far. Only problem is, if I’m in a tricky situation and I miss my first shot, the results could be lethal. Not a lot of room for error. I hold the rifle up to the wooden wall with the half torn off yellow wallpaper. It is now deafening and the room begins to shake. Two feet up from the ground, the wall is beginning to crack. A bulge pushes through until the planks collapse and the monster, about the size of a beach ball, rolls its way across my stained and crumb-filled carpet. I close one eye, look down the sight of my gun and take the shot. It’s a clean hit, straight through the teal bugger’s center.

I hold my rifle in front of me as I approach the newly formed hole in the wall. Seems like it was just the one. No herd is always a good sign. I walk over giddily to the beast I easily vanquished and give it a proper look. The dead grudder is spiky but that didn’t seem to stop it from rolling around. It has eyes, at least I think those are eyes, but maybe not. They’re just weird black blobs planted all over the creature. It bleeds red just like me, and the bullet hole in the middle goes all the way through. I hesitate to touch it, as its spikes could be venomous, so instead I kick it to the corner of my room. It leaves behind a trail of blood to add to my carpet stains. I’ll deal with it later. I gotta get to work. I put on my grey suit and tie, and head to the train station.

The train arrives at 9:30 am and a bizarrely large number of people push by me to get on. Once I secure a spot or more accurately am being held in like a sardine, I ask the large fellow next to me. There is an atrocious smell coming from somewhere in the train car that I can’t quite pin down.

“What have I missed? Why are there so many people on the red train?”

“The Shadow Man’s in town. Did you not get an alert on your phone?” The man’s voice is higher than expected

“Oh I don’t really use my phone. Except for the flashlight.” I respond naturally. He coughs and glares at me as if I just said something strange. When the train arrives at Halbert Station, the sardines rush out and I can breathe. To my surprise, my train companion was not one of them. I secure a seat and he sits across from me. It is clear to me now that the smell’s origin was the man I’d been casually conversing with. There’s only two other people in the car and they’re both sleeping. “You aren’t going to see the Shadow Man?” I ask, mostly just to fill the uncomfortable silence.

“Not my cup of tea.” He mumbles slowly, annunciating each word.

“Where are you headed then?”

“Uptown.”

“What are you doing uptown?”

“I reckon I’ll get on the green train and go downtown.”

I nod, fighting every impulse to hold my nose and rid this man’s horrendous, garbage-like smell. The train stops at City Station and I smile at the man.

“Well, this is me.” I grab my bag and walk toward the opening train doors.

“Is it?” Asks the smelly fellow as the doors close behind me.

I arrive at work five minutes early at 9:58 am. I give my supervisor a thumbs up and a smile. She returns the thumbs up. I sit at my work station, nothing fancy, a desk and a computer. Across from me sits Avery.

“I was seven minutes early for work today.” She excitedly exclaims.

“That’s very good, Avery. Hopefully you’ll get that promotion soon.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Rauul. You’ve been putting in the work and the supervisor is paying attention.”

I smile to myself as I begin to type into the computer exactly what the folder on my desk contained. We get a new folder every day, and every day I work as hard and fast as I can to type it all in. I don’t bother comprehending any of it, it simply isn’t worth my time. I just copy. I get a lunch break at 3:01 pm. Avery has the same one. We both pull out our bagged lunch and start eating at the desk.

“I brought leftovers from a rat I caught and cooked myself.” I brag as I open my paper bag. Avery’s always one step above me though.

“I gathered berries and plums from the wilderness behind my shack.”

I accept my loss and make headway on the rat.

“Did you hear the Shadow Man is in town? I was on a train with a bunch of folks who wanted to see him.” I tear off the skin of the rat’s head and devour it. Avery responds with a question while chewing,

“How can you see the Shadow Man? Isn’t he invisible?”

“Hm,” I shrug, “I suppose you’re right. Has anything interesting happened to you today?”

Avery’s smile decays and her eyes catch the supervisor behind me.

“We can discuss this after work.” She laughs to herself and starts typing. I nod and do the same.

When 7:47 pm rolls around, I save all my files and shut down the computer. I close the empty folder and shred a couple more documents. Avery is finishing up too, she has one last page to copy. I wait for her, and in a few minutes, we leave together. It’s raining lightly outside, in a way that never bothers me. The stars are out already and they are so bright tonight. A crescent moon looms over the city streets, pushing us along like waves in an ocean. We wash towards the train station and have a fairly usual conversation.

“Still dealing with that grudder infestation?” Avery wonders, I laugh.

“Killed one this morning actually. I should really call someone about that.”

“You really ought to.” Cars rush by and splash through the rain which is only getting heavier. The street lamp above us is flickering and on its final spark. It won’t be on tomorrow night. “Are you okay, Rauul? Your face seems inexplicably off.”

“Of course I’m okay!” I reply back quickly in a way that may have come off as defensive. Honestly, something has felt off today. I don’t know what or why, everything about the day would be considered fairly normal as far as I’m concerned. “I don’t know, maybe I’m coming down with something.”

Avery nods and we walk in silence toward the station. When we arrive, and it is time to part ways, she looks me in the eye and sends over a toothless smile.
“Take care of yourself, yeah? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As she walks away, I feel a shiver down my spine. I hop on the green train to find I’m all alone. I sigh and take a seat. The train starts moving and I hold onto the poll next to me. The lights in the train car are dim and there is graffiti over the walls and advertisements. As the train rocks me back and forth, I find myself on the verge of tears. What is wrong with me? My life… it’s going as well as I could ask for. I’m sobbing alone in the train car. I don’t understand what’s come over me but I let it out. By the time the train stops at the next station, I’m no longer actively crying, but I can see my reflection in the dark window. My eyes are red and my head is killing me.

As the elevator door shrieks open, I let out an exasperated sigh at the sight of at least a dozen grudders rolling around, bumping into the walls and each other. Their size and color ranged. Some are blue, some are green, but most are a shade of teal. Before leaving the apartment building, I check my mailbox in the lobby. There’s a letter titled ‘URGENT’ from my landlord and I open it up. To no surprise at all, he’s furious about the grudders and is asking me to cover the damages. I need to sleep somewhere else tonight until I can get this sorted out.

The closest place to my apartment building is Garrett Park so I suppose I’ll find a nice bench. On a normal day, I’d have treated this experience as an impromptu vacation, falling asleep looking at the stars but not today. Today I slug myself over to the closest bench, by the old decaying bush, close my eyes, and take a seat. Something doesn’t feel right… I’m not sitting on a bench.

“Hey, what the hell guy?” shouts a voice from below and I jump up in freight. It’s very dark out but I can see the bench and it’s empty. However I swear I felt a human body when I tried to sit. “Find your own bench.” I look around, into the darkness on every side of me and shiver.

“I didn’t see you-- I don’t see you.”

“Well, I’m here.”

Suddenly everything clicks together in my mind and a jolt of energy sparks me up.

“You’re the Shadow Man!”

He sighs, “Yes, I’m the Shadow Man. My friends call me Neil...”

“I’m so sorry Neil. I will find a different bench.”

“Hey man, I just said ‘my friends’, okay? Not some whacko who sits on me late at night.”

I back off, cautiously. I’m still so confused. Why isn’t the Shadow Man sleeping in some grand hotel? The entire town is infatuated with him. I turn around and walk towards the next bench. After feeling utterly exhausted, I still have trouble falling asleep. Maybe it’s because I’m on a park bench. Maybe it’s because I thought everything made sense, and now that thought has shattered.

***

I open my eyes. I sit up on the bench and yawn. I look over to the dead bush bench, wondering. Is he still there? I don’t want to wake him if he is. I have to stop thinking about this. I must be on time for work. I head straight to the train station and get some odd looks on the way down the escalator. Not very surprising I suppose. I’m wearing the same grey suit as yesterday and it is completely covered in dirt and I look down at my shoes, which are stained with blood. The supervisor is not going to be satisfied. At 9:30 am on the dot, the train approaches. There’s still a larger than normal amount of people getting on the red train today, but not quite the riot of yesterday.

Immediately I notice the stench, the oh, so familiar stench. I can’t see him yet, and I don’t really care to look for him, but I know he’s here. When the train stops at Halbert Station, the sheep exit the car and go searching for The Shadow Man. I know he’s not so great, but these people will worship him. And for what? For being invisible and homeless? I’m basically half of those things at this point and nobody comes searching for me. Now that the car is basically empty, I spot the smelly fellow. Of course he’s here. Haven’t exactly been on a lucky streak lately.

“See the game last night?” He offeres from the other side of the train car.

“No.” I reply, deadpan.

“Yeah, me neither.” He looks down at his phone and continues scrolling through something on his phone.

“You know, I uh, why did you say what you said to me yesterday? When I got off the train?”

He takes an apple out of his jacket pocket and gnaws into it. After chewing for about twenty seconds he looks at me, and then down at my soaked, dirt stained suit.

“You don’t seem like a bureaucrat.”

I sit with his words and don’t respond. We spend the rest of the ride in silence until we arrive at City Station. Before I take off, I ask him one last question.

“So where are you headed today?”

“Downtown.”

“You’re on the wrong train.”

“Am I?”

Second time in a row this smelly freak left me with a cryptic existential question that I don’t have time for right as the doors close behind me.

I arrive at work exactly on time. The office is hotter than usual. My sweat has been building up in my suit for two days now, and my supervisor notices. I’m shocked when 10:04 am comes around and Avery isn’t sitting across from me, typing away. I look back at my supervisor and ask politely,

“Do you know where Avery might be, ma’am?”

“Do your work.” She responds as if she didn’t listen to a word I said.

“Is she… Did you fire her? Because if you did, then… I quit too! I quit too.”

The supervisor walks slowly over to me and looks down. Her eyes pierce into my soul and she slightly tilts her head.

“Ms. Gutterman was promoted. You, on the other hand, just lost your last chance. Leave your I.D badge on the desk, and go.” She crosses her arms. I am shaking and breathing heavily. I’m such an idiot.

“Wait, please I can’t lose this job. Surely with Avery up at corporate you require more work done down here. I can do… double the work I’ve been doing, for no extra pay.”

The supervisor raises her eyebrow and purses her lips.

“Let’s see how you perform today.”

I type faster than I’ve ever typed before. No lunch break, not like I packed anything anyways. When the clock strikes 7:47 pm and the work day is done, I cringe at the sight of my folder. There are still at least twenty more pages to type up. I eye my supervisor but she’s crossing her arms and I know I can’t leave. At 11:05 pm, I finish the work, stand up and walk towards the exit. I can barely feel my fingers, and both my wrists are aching.

“Take a damn shower.” My supervisor says as I slam the door behind me.

I find myself walking to no particular location on a cold and windy night. The clouds block the stars, and the streets are fairly busy. I pass by nightclubs that are just opening, lines all the way around the corner. Fancy restaurants with massive windows so I can watch families laughing and eating and sometimes fighting, but mostly just living. Without fear, without judgement. But how should I know that? I can’t pretend to be in someone else’s mind. Who am I to say their laughter isn’t holding back the tears?

I already have to repair the damages done to my room and probably the whole apartment building at this point. No time for a second job unless I give up on sleeping all together, which honestly is starting to make more and more sense. I shine my phone flashlight in front of me as I leave the streets towards a dark parking lot. If only there was a way I could talk to Avery or maybe even my mom, but alas, I would need to send a letter, and by the time they get it and send it back, maybe I’ll already be…

No. What is this? What are these… No. No, there’s a solution here, there’s always a solution. I could get a pipe from a nearby dumpster and beat the creatures to death, possibly solving that problem at no cost except my own safety and wellbeing. Yes… And maybe the supervisor will reward my hard work with a promotion.

“Quit the stupid job.” Announces a familiar ethereal voice from behind me. I shine my light around but see nobody. Only something strange happens when I shine my light in the direction of the voice. I can see his shadow cast onto the tarmac from the light on my phone.

“Why? How did you know?”

“I’m the Shadow Man. I listen and I watch while nobody sees.”

“That’s very disturbing.”

“Yeah, well, at least I’m not lying to myself and everyone around me.” I pause, not sure if I’m furious or about to start sobbing, probably both. “Oh come on? You think you have a future that isn’t a miserable nightmare until the day you draw your final breath? You think the path you’re on leads to what, money? I can tell you with certainty it’s a dead end. And the way they treat you, wow, I mean that is some committed harassment. That lady watches you work all day so she can shit on you when you make the smallest error. And what are you being paid? Eight fifty an hour? Are you hoping the promotion adds a sparkly sticker to your paycheck? Get your life together. Stand up for something. You let some mind-moles kick you out of your own home.”

I put my hand up to interrupt.

“Mind-moles?”

“What do you call them?”

“They’re called grudders. ”

“They’re called whatever the hell you want them to be called. It’s not like you’ve ever been one for stopping them.”

“I was going to beat them with a pipe.”

“And you were going to lose. I mean, look at you. You look like you just came out of a soccer match where you were the ball. They’d eat you alive, and your anger only fuels them.”

“So what am I supposed to do, Shadow Man? What is the point of all of this? Why did you choose to follow me?”

There’s silence, and I can see his shadow moving, as if to find a more comfortable position to stand.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just… you seemed like you needed help. I wanted to help.”

“Well, then please leave me the hell alone. And stop stalking me, you glorified creep. Surely you have someone more interesting to spy on.”

I turn and walk away, angrier than when he arrived. Angrier than I’ve ever been, as far back as I can remember.

***

I wake up in an alleyway with the sun shining into my eyes. My head is resting against a brick wall and suddenly I freak out. I feel my pockets, only to realize that my wallet is missing. Someone must have taken it while I was sleeping. As I curse out toward the sky, I can’t stop thinking about that conversation I had last night with the Shadow Man. He talked to me like he knew everything, but he was sleeping in the same park I was. More than that; he understood the world in a different way. Maybe he sees things more clearly. Maybe I really am lying to myself.

I walk into my office building, wearing a suit that is basically brown at this point, and probably smelling worse than my buddy from the train. It is 10:05 am and I am two minutes late to work. My supervisor looks pissed as all hell. I give her a smile and a thumbs up before sitting at my desk and kicking my feet onto the desk. I open up the folder that was waiting for me and begin to read the words I’ve always just ignored. It is mostly boring, company and business jargon that I barely understand. As I continue skimming and flipping pages, the supervisor furiously snatches the folder from my hands, causing the papers to fly everywhere. She starts rushing to pick them all up, and I calmly look down at my lap. A page had fallen right into it, and there was a phrase used several times in the same paragraph that immediately stood out to me: “Mind-moles,”

“Give that to me!” The supervisor shouts, and tries to grab out of my hand. I read the whole paragraph to myself as I run down the hallway. When I’ve read enough I drop the page and my supervisor grabs it, panting and shaking. My eyes are watering up, but I keep them open wide, staring my supervisor straight in her dark grey eyes.

“You’re behind them… The grudders…. This company, you survey and control them. You use them to torment people… You write out their code and mission by the minute.”

“No, Rauul.” The supervisor says quietly but fiercely, “You write that code into the computer yourself. Every single day. Without once questioning it.”

I scream, an ugly, fearful yelp into the general direction of the office and the supervisor. I turn around and run outside. I push through pedestrians, causing one old man to knock over his drink, and rush toward the nearest train station. I hop on the first green train to show up and sit, closing my eyes and feeling terrified. I am so caught up in myself that I don’t even notice the oh so familiar existential scent drawing closer to me.

“Rough day?” He takes a seat, next to me but with one seat in between us.

“You know what’s weird? I have felt deep, undying pain for longer than I can even remember. And somehow I didn’t even realize it until today.”

“Ah, one of those days.” He looks down at his striped pants and brown shoes. I lean my head over without lifting it from the back of the ripped leather cushioned chair to look at him.

“Do you ever feel like your life is just one meaningless cycle?”

The smelly man grunts and shrugs.

“Nope.”

I exhale deeply and we sit, listening to the train rolling along its tracks, shaking here and there, but never falling. The lights in the train car are dimming and tint into a pale green. I hold onto the cold metal pole on my left.

“You know, I met the Shadow Man.” I break the silence,” Didn’t even try to. How many of those people the other day do you think tried to meet the guy and failed? I’m just the loser who accidentally sat on him on a park bench, and… yelled at him when he tried to help me. I mean, it was a really weird and creepy way to help, but I don’t know, I think he meant well. He’s a good guy, or shadow, or whatever.”

The smelly fellow smiles. I lean my head back over the leather coated seat. I stay there for what must be hours, sitting next to the man, until we arrive at the end of the line. We both stand up, and I yawn as we exit the doors. A red train rolls up on the other side of the platform.

“You coming?” Asks the man I only know out of necessity to get from place to place, but his presence, hell, even his smell now feels comforting. It’s like he’s always been a part of my life.

“Yeah, I am.”

We move onto the red train and I count the stops until I’ll be home. Six. I sit right across from him this time, listening to the arcade music from the game on his phone.

“Did you know the Shadow Man was born here, in town?”

My eyes shoot up to lock with his.

“Seriously?”

“Sure. Me and him, we were inseparable once upon a time. He is a good person, and he’s also a sensitive one.” His smell consumes the entire train car, but I’m not choking on it anymore. “He’s been lost for a long time.”

“What was he like, as a kid?”

“He was funny. And kind. But he was always frightened.”

“Of what?”

“Of a world in which he never felt he belonged.”

“Do you think he still feels this way?”

“You’d have to ask him. We stopped speaking many years ago. He became an international sensation, and I’ve been on this train.”

“Do you live on this train?”

“You are a very curious man. Have you ever kept a question to yourself?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t live on the train, no. I just spend my days here.”

“Why?”

“I find comfort in the rails.”

I nod and look down. When the train comes to a grinding halt, I take in one last whiff of the man’s intense odor. He gives me a smile and a nod as I walk through the doors. It’s only after I walk up the stairs of the station, I realize I’m four stops early. There’s a reason I’m here, a subconscious reason. Avery lives about a half mile north.

It’s dark out, but it might not be nighttime. The clouds could just be very thick today. I don’t know, after all, how long we sat on the train. I feel almost liberated, not knowing the time. My walk becomes a jog, and then a sprint on the side of a busy road, toward her apartment building. Cars zip by me and wind rushes against my face. I arrive at the red brick building and press the buzzer for room 405. I wave to the camera and hear the beeping of the door unlocking. The stairs feel particularly steep, and each one feels like a higher jump than the last. Finally, I’m on the fourth floor and I knock on Avery’s door. There’s a brown welcome mat I’m standing on that just says, “let the moment live in you,” in all lower case almost cursive letters. When she opens it, she’s somewhat horrified by the way I look and probably smell.

“Rauul, are you okay?”

I hug my friend tight and close my eyes.

“I thought they fired you. I was so angry.”

“No, no. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to tell you. I’m up at corporate now.”

“Did you know, Avery? Did you know about the grudders?” She steps away from the hug and looks to the side. I take her silence as a yes. “Why? Why would they do that? What could they possible have to gain from torturing their own employees?”

“It’s how the world works.”

“No, it’s not. Even if it was, why should I accept that? Why can’t the world work for me for once?”

She sighed and turned to pour herself a glass of wine. “You and I, Rauul, we’re passengers. We can either deal with it, and live the life we’re given, or fight and make things worse.”

Her words stick in my head as I walk down the stairs and come onto the street. I move with my head down and eyes half closed all the way to Garrett Park.

I shine my flashlight up and down the bench and sigh. I then use my flashlight like a metal detector around the area, hoping I can find him taking a nap.

“Shadow Man!” I shout into the void. “Shadow Man!” I walk around for at least ten minutes, yelling as loud as I can while frantically shining my light.

“Oh for the love of-- can you chill?” his deep voice announces from behind me. It shocks me initially, but I pull myself together.

“I’m sorry I shouted at you. You were right about the job, the boss. I even learned that those mind-moles you were talking about, the ones that infested my apartment, are controlled by the company I was working for. They’re evil.”

“Yep.” He replies, incredibly casually. “And now want my help getting rid of the mind moles in your apartment?”

“No, the mind moles won’t be there today. I neglected to type in their commands.” I declare, proudly.

“So… did you come here, with a flashlight, wake me up from my nap to… what? Apologize, and then, like, brag?”

“I guess I, uh, wanted to know something. You are admired across the world. People tell stories of you as if you’re a legend. You go from town to town and people frolic to see you. The entire area gets alerted when you’re around. Why? What makes you special?”

His deep, almost cynical laugh sends shivers down my spine.

“Gee, I don’t know. Could it be that I’m a talking shadow? Or were you looking for something deeper?”

“I’ve seen weirder things than an invisible man. This world is a stranger.” I turn off the flashlight and sit down in the wet grass and his shadow disappears into the darkness.

“I’m not ‘invisible’” he quietly mutters to himself. “Maybe these people subconsciously like the idea of only seeing exactly what they’re supposed to see. They’d be scared if they saw the real me. Or maybe they know what I know. That this is the real me. And just knowing, seeing with their own eyes a man who objectively has less than you. A person with no body, only a dark spot that appears when some poor man pities him in a public park by shining a light in his eyes. Not like you could see them anyway. Or if I’m smiling, or seething in anger. Truth is, though, anyone can live without a body. It’s the soul that makes you human. And I’m missing that too.”

“I think maybe we both are.”

“No, Rauul. Do not take on my burdens. You can be better. You are better.”

I tear out a patch of grass and sprinkle each blade across the dirt, one by one.

“Lately, my life has felt completely out of my control. Every day I made decisions that I was manipulated into thinking were my own. Then you showed up.” I can hear his food tapping against the ground. “Over the last few days, everyone and everything around me has remained stagnant, looped in an everlasting cycle of monotony. So it must be me who has changed, for things to be the way that they are now.” I listen closely over the sound of crickets chirping and the tip-tapping of the man moving closer toward me. I can feel his breath on my forehead. I jerk as an invisible hand grabs my shoulder.

“Why did you really come searching for me?”

I scooch back, and feel his grip release. I look down and speak softly.

“I wanted to thank you. Truly. For helping me break the cycle.”

“Hmm,” the Shadow Man responds anxiously, “I’m sorry Rauul.”

“For what?” I stand up as a drop of rain hits the back of my neck.

“You didn’t break the cycle. You can’t break the cycle. War, peace, poverty, the one percent. Good people doing bad things and bad people doing good. Random folks going out of their way to see a shadow. There will be a replacement at your job, and you will find another one. Monday will always arrive. You were right when you said the world stays the same. The cycle remains, and we’re both stuck to the rails.” The rain intensifies, and quickly begins to pour. “However,” he pauses for a moment, “We still can choose.”

“Choose what?”

“It doesn’t matter. Anything. Nothing. You can call it ‘mysterious ways’ if it makes you feel better, but there’s always a choice, and that choice leads to consequences. We’re not prisoners of the cycle. We’re residents, and we design our own destiny.”

I look up and let the rain pour over my face. My socks are wet. I hate wet socks.

“Do you need a place to stay? I can rustle up a pile of clothes for you to sleep on, and cook you fresh possum pie in the morning. I learned the recipe from my mother--”

“That’s very generous, Rauul,” he interrupts, “but I like it out here.”

“Take care then, Shadow Man.”

“Please, uh, call me Neil.”